Blooms glow … Hope is in petals bright Nature promises in breeze …
#roksanatales
Part of my morning rituals are spent in my little varandah garden! It refreshes me …. Love the sound of the chirping birds, the warm light, smell of the wind and greens and flowers … Some days I read here with a glass of warm honey water and some days a cup of tea … with a little conversation … These days are Ramadan days, the most blessed days and I’m healing from my broken finger …. I hope it’ll be alright soon … and everything too
Most days, when it’s Friday, I remember that on such one Friday I entered his city, and he didn’t show up …
Do you know what I was thinking when I stepped out of the airport? I never been to this airport and unfortunately I was going to stay only the night at his city ….
Our hotel cars were outside the airport. We girls got into the cars and the car was passing through the airport road to get to the city centre … the full moon was racing with us, I was watching it through the car window …with my wandering heartbeats on …
I wanted to believe that he will be there to surprise me. So without any contact with him, I was still hoping that I may see him in there at the hotel lobby and for that I was feeling a bit nervous, ‘What if he actually comes!? Should I go outside to grab coffee with him as he wanted to take me out for a coffee, or should I ask him to have dinner at the hotel restaurant as it was already late because of the delayed flight. We won’t get time for a coffee break somewhere else.’ – to be honest I was feeling very nervous too. And more importantly, I needed to give him the gifts that I’ve been carrying throughout my whole trip,… So I needed to unpack my luggage!”
“Oh no! That would be a mess!” – I was thinking about all these in my mind …
Then we reached the hotel. The lobby was normal with less people. I looked around a little bit more. “Was there any face that was searching someone?” – I was looking here and there and was thinking about this – “Oh! better if he doesn’t come now.” As if I can recognise him. I never saw him even. How stupid and pathetic I was! I was thinking, ‘I want to freshen up first and then I’ll be coming down again for dinner, and may be by that time he would come and I may offer him dinner Dosa at the hotel restaurant’ … I still can’t believe that I was thinking all of these even without any confirmation from him to meet me here! Feeling too much angry at myself ….
However, after the hotel formalities were done, we went up to our room and then I came down with my travel mate and by that time I grew a feeling of no expectation that he would come. ‘If I expect, it’s going to hurt me. It’s alright’ – I was thinking to make myself feel better and now I’m waiting for my dosa with an expectation of having a good dinner, because I was so hungry by that time through so many things and all of these unsure traumas …
Unfortunately -A delayed flight disappointed me … -‘He’ disappointed me (He didn’t come. He didn’t confirm he would come though. Still I felt disappointed as if it’s all his fault…. ) -Dosa disappointed me (I was so hungry and I was craving dosa, but it was a disaster)
Now what?
A dilemma …
To keep or not to keep the gift packet at the reception desk!
My poor little handmade gifts for him, and few other things – should I keep my gift packet for him to pick later on when he gets to know that I was at his city and about all of these!
Poor me and my surprise gifts!
Wish he would know how brave it was for me to accept his coffee date for sometime in the middle of the night …
It won’t make sense if he never comes and by that time I started having headaches. I must sleep for sometime, and so I did, having a medicine …
It was 3 AM in the morning, again our cars were on the road of his city to reach the airport. This time I took some videos of the road as a memory of the city.
Long ago when the young girl in me visited this city, she was a carefree young girl who didnt know what does disappointment means! At that time she treasured the memory of visiting the famous amusement park with her siblings – it was full of fun, laughter and pure innocent joy. That time she left the city with delightful memories.
Now she’s leaving the city with the gift she so lovingly brought here for someone she never met before, but whom she thought she knew for a long time ….
This time she was innocent too, as her feelings were so deep and true, but she didn’t understand why she would be disappointed for someone who didn’t even know about the gifts she’s been carrying for him.
But for what reason, she was upset – she didn’t understand though she’s not a carefree young girl anymore …
But she was upset, confused and disoriented because now she was carrying the gifts to bring back home and carrying a strange unknown heart leaving a bit of her heart in this dark city!
Dark, because she entered it with a strange unknown feeling and it was nighttime though the moon was there (a relief to my eyes) and dark, because her heart was broken for a completely unknown, strange, unspecified reason so she was in denial for long …
It was a Friday night entering his city and on the morning of Saturday my flight took off from his city …
So on Fridays, most times it reminds me of that Friday when I was in his city, and he didn’t show up …
A delusion!
#roksanatales
It’s a long post. I’m sorry for that. If you’ve read the whole story, thank you and tell me if you’ve ever felt the same? Or any instance that you might have felt ….
What if it all works out? What if you get that call? What if today goes unexpectedly well? What if you have what it takes? What if you meet someone unexpectedly? What if today you make the day best with what you have? What if someone is praying for you? What if you receive that one mail? What if someone has special feelings for you? What if someone tells you that? What if you go on that trip with someone for a day or two? What if the trip takes you to another state of mind? What if you return with a complete different state of heart? What if you do not know what’s next? What if the best is yet to come? What if great things are on the way? What if you don’t search for any answer? What if the answer is within you?
I love all the ‘What ifs’ … What ifs’ give me hope …
What broke your heart so bad That you had to close every door, That you say you have a dark soul And can’t utter the word ‘love’ anymore?
Sanhita Baruah
Quite heartbroken wounded words these are, yet so beautifully expressed, I think. So I sharedwith you all …
I loved these lines so much that I even tried to recite in my naive voice. About the recording and my voice, I think I sound too childish, and that makes me feel nervous about it. It might sound boring to some, and it’s a bit dramatic also, as if I was actually telling you …
Strange I do not get this sadness often … Sometimes it’s hard to not feeling this heavy feelings for a long time … But I feel today this sadness is not going away soon …
How I hate to be sad … How I hate to wait to feel light in my heart again!
With vain hope though …
Though I also wish I do not smile anymore now …
Sometimes I get a reality check on my life in the most unimaginable way …
Sometimes I think about the losses in my life so much that it makes my senses tingle with pain and sadness so much that it’s hard to believe that I have lost it all and yet I’m living in abundance around … to be blessed by so many things …
Though sometimes I feel sadness suits me so well … It’s supposed to be sad, my heart …
And I wish I do not smile anymore …
#roksanatales
Happiness is inside of all of us. Sometimes, you just need someone to help you find it …
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Sometimes, Sukoon is just silencing all the noise and staring at the mountains out there ….
A man doesn’t need brilliance or genius, all he needs is energy
Albert M. Greenfield
Keep a little place, Like a little ‘zen zone’ for yourself Have a cup of coffee there … Do some mindful drawings … Read some books … Write some poetry, musings, or something philosophical … Or do nothing … In midst of strangers It can become a little mindful meditation With every sip of bliss ….
Keep a little ‘zen zone’ For you Feel the crave to be there And come here when you need to be …. But before you leave Define how you prioritise yourself Over every other things …. And do not make it an easy place Where you can find an escape Whenever you feel like … Rather make it special As you would make any other thing special And keep it as sacred as It’s supposed to be for creating Little ‘Zen Zone’ for yourself ….
Here’s one of my little ‘Zen Zone’ … Where’s your little ‘Zen’ Zone’ place?
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#roksanatales
Zen Zone “Your introvert zen zone is an area where your senses need to be soothed by their surroundings — the key word being “zen.” For instance, you should be able to practice mindfulness meditation there if you wish.”
Ma Belle! Live upon the moonlit skies, The place of hope and butterflies …. Be well pleased with your passionate eyes; Be right there…. And stare at the Gods with proud gaze Be praised and praise …
Ma Belle! You roundly speaker, When you see any betrayal, Don’t you shed tears ….. You get going, keeping head high Without any fear …
Ma Belle! Let all the new faces play, With the tricks they sure will; Let all those pass away… You be calm, quiet and still; If these be right Of day and night, You be chilled and chill.
Ma Belle! Those images that may Gather all the talk of doom, But you think not of a single evil chance; Play out all of your dream so fair, With the host of the air You be heard and hear and dance …
Ma Belle! Until imagination brought It was only a thought, But keep your integrity … Let it be for what it is; They were dead and of a different kind, You be weighed lightly and just don’t mind …
Ma Belle! Pull down the blinds in pride, You be in your country-side; Where the sky falls kissing the earth, On the balance of the wind….. You take a lovely ride Like a new smiling bride ….
Ma Belle! My sweet little Belle! You be known for the care you give And discover the forgotten truth; Your heart is your heart what it should be, That hasn’t changed in years from youth …
If I look deep enough I think I’ve always loved to paint. But that didn’t happen until 2020. Painting came as a healing journey during pandemic time and I delve myself into in a kind of hypnotic allures of colorful emotion. I was a full time teacher back then. In 2021 I left my teaching job and start living my dream life of being an artist. Though it wasn’t my plan and surely it didn’t come easy, but it was all about a healing gift for me.
Over the years I created so many paintings and organised self-initiated events from awareness programs to rooftop exhibition and in-house exhibitions to fund-raising projects for underprivileged children and people and my paintings displaying in fairs, wander ventures and pop-up sales and receiving admirations from all over the world and very recently, JBC initiating wellness programs under art therapy and colorful date with mindful conversations.
It’s an incredible journey which I’m enjoying immensely and all the things I do for my Jian Bird Creates, I do with all my heart and soul. The universe has been kind to me, and true are the words from The Alchemist, ‘And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it’ – as if it was happening for me without me knowing it because I was so busy in creating the wonders that were coming to my mind and everyone around me, specially my whole family, few beautiful friends and very very specially My Lama girl giving heart and soul for my wonders …
Happy Birthday my dearest friend Roksana Amelia Love you to the moon, stars and beyond ⭐️ Life is a blessing. Bless it with all your heart wherever you’re ….
To the unknown To the uncertainty To the chaos To the infinity
Sometimes all you need is going to somewhere quiet and you are my ‘Somewhere Quiet’ place always ….
#roksanatales
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Querencia / Spanish /kɛˈrɛnθɪə, Spanish keˈrenθja, keˈrensja/ (adj.) a place where one feels safe, a place where one feels at home …
Just thought to add an audio of these verses. Excuse my terrible voice and poor sound effects🙏 I took quite a few attempts for this and lastly I thought, ‘Okay, let it be.’ 🤷🏿♀️
I know you all are kind, compassionate and thoughtful.
In the wind A flower brings life, Plain and pure; That you once sowed .. It’s a work that you can see It’s blooming …
In the wind A mystery seems invisible; Believing is the touch, That you once felt .. It’s a work that your mind Can not resist ….
In the wind A yearning hums a tune, Simpler and warm .. That you once met and mingled; It’s a work that you Can not get over it …
In the wind A sound whispers in the ears, Caressing silently .. That you once belonged; It’s a work that you’ve Ever fallen like rain …
In the wind A love brings life That you once gave it all; It’s a work that you can never forget And neither it’s ever over ….
#roksanatales
Commuovere (Italian) /ko’mːwɔvere/ (v.) this word means you’ve been moved or touched or had your heart warmed, by someone. Specifically, it’s a story that has stirred your heart or moved you to tears …
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Sometimes I do feel a bit of strange when I find my mind chooses the words that tread the hazy line between romance, or emotions of two potential lovers or just someone who I may have met somewhere, in my imagination or real, or virtually, or anywhere in the universe, … then I feel that while writing it’s not necessarily solely about me all the time and it’s not what it seems as well and it’s just something that makes me feel happy when I can express certain feelings as it comes within; Often I know, through these words, I simply may portray someone else’s longing, or devotion, or heartbreaking phase, or someone who might be seeking solace from the world of separation, or someone who makes his love stronger even when it’s over … or just about me trying to find the right words to describe an indescribable feeling within ….
😊
Felt a quite chaos while painting it, so I named it CHAOS
Sometimes Somehow I hope A lifetime of promises With you …
Sometimes Somehow I hear You saying all of these To me …
#roksanatales
Sometimes somehow I feel funny writing all these letters of love. Then sometimes somehow I know somewhere someone may resonate all of my these simple, plain and quite undecorated letters of love for themselves … And then all the time I know that the letters of love may differ from person to person, but the in-depth feelings of love remain the same…
Roksana Tales 